Sunday, May 17, 2009

So, yep. Pregnant. Five-ish weeks. I've run the gamut of emotions from terrified to elated. In fact the mood swings are one of only a few symptoms I've had. Some cramping and half a day of upset stomach, but no drastic morning sickness, no headaches, no breast soreness, and no "sense" of being pregnant. If I hadn't had the blood test to confirm it, I'd still be questioning. 

The timing could be better. It could be worse. I'll be about 6 months pregnant on my wedding day, which honestly wouldn't bother me except that my mom put hours and hours of time, effort, and love into my beautiful wedding dress, and now it's most likely unwearable. Kenny won't get to see me in it, and that hurts. I've cried and apologized to both of them, and of course they both have been wonderful, but I can see my mom trying to hide some disappointment. She talked today about selling it and making a new one, and I almost started crying again. I know she made that dress thinking of me the whole time, and she was going to be so proud to see me wear it on my wedding day. It's my dress. It seems almost silly to fixate on this one thing, and I'm not sure why it's affecting me so intensely. 

That said, I'm not throwing myself a continuous pity party here. Now that the nerve-wracking moments of telling the parents are over, I'm letting myself get excited about the planning and the prospect of being a mom. I've been reading websites and articles nonstop, and even strolling through the baby aisles at Target. Kenny has been fantastic, from the point where I first started to wonder "am I?" to the confirmation to sharing the news and starting to plan. I've learned on him for support and he's held me up unfailingly, and we've become closer than ever. I'm reassured that together we'll not only make it through challenges, but we will thrive. 

I got a part-time job, which takes the edge off my worry. It's not enough, but it's better than nothing. It'll hold me over.

Right now I'm feeling like everything will be ok.

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