Good day. I am currently on the market for a job. Certainly times are tough for us all, particularly job seekers. However, I am not content to continue with my previous trend of jumping from one boring, unsatisfying job to the next. Therefore, rather than continue try to shape myself into the person that my job requires, I am instead knocking aside the corporate-speak and presenting you with a list of MY requirements for my perfect job. Could this be considered pretentious in these uncertain economic times? Possibly. Will I have to compromise on my ideals and take whatever I can get, just to get by? It seems likely. But I present this letter in the hopes that I will no longer have to choose between unemployment and 40-hour-per-week misery. Without futher ado, I present to you this list in lieu of a resume.
1. I am not "naturally organized" or "detail-oriented." I can't stay organized to save my life. I have untreated ADD. I forget where I set the pen that I was using 30 seconds ago. I generally think of the big picture first and worry about the details later. I need a job that isn't about the details or the organization.
2. I am not "naturally energetic," nor do I "thrive in a fast-paced environment." I am slow to wake up in the mornings. I can't stand on my feet for 7.5 hours a day. On the flip side of the coin, sitting at a desk in front of a computer all day will drain me mentally and physically. I stress out easily and have moderately high anxiety. I need to work at a steady, slow tempo.
3. I am not a "people person." In a world that rewards extroverts, I am utterly introverted. Allow me to clarify... I like people. I'm not shy. That's not what it means to be an introvert. The best analogy I've read on these personality types describes extroverts as being batteries that are RECHARGED by being around other people, and introverts as batteries that are DRAINED by being around other people. I don't find other people "draining" in that negative sense of the word, but it absolutely TAKES energy and effort from me to interact with others. My batteries are charged by being alone.
4. I am not a "team player." I hated group projects in middle school, high school, and college, and I hate them now. I HAVE to work independently. If I need help, I will rarely ask for it, because I want to figure it out on my own. As a side note, if the "team leader" tries to micromanage me, I will go insane.
5. I am not "motivated" or "driven." In other words, I don't give a flying shit about climbing the corporate ladder. I am not in a race with my coworkers. I am not in competition with them. I will gladly accept a raise, but as long as I'm already making living wages, I will not work my ass off to make a few thousand dollars extra per year.
6. I am not ever going to finish a project, paper, or assignment if I am uninterested in it. If my job bores me, it will be done half-assed or not at all. I have untreated ADD and will jump from one unfinished project to the next, or jump into some other random distraction. I have to have variety in my daily, even hourly work. If the assignment does interest me, I will have it done on time and close to perfect.
7. I have not completed my college degree. However, I can learn anything, and I can learn it fast. I couldn't stay up late writing college papers, or doing homework, or settle on a major (so many awesome majors! how do I pick?!). But give me a quasi-intelligent trainer, or preferably a fully intelligent mentor, and give me hands-on training. I have a memory like an elephant, and I'm clever and intuitive to boot.
8. I am not going to stay with your company if your ultimate goal is simply to make a profit. I don't think that makes you bad or wrong, but I HAVE to be able to see a greater purpose in my job than simply coming to work, collecting a paycheck, and helping someone else make more money than I do. I see the big picture (refer to statement 1), and the big picture needs to include working towards the betterment of the earth, animals, people, or all of the above.
In summary, I need a job where I can work independently, creatively, and at a moderate pace. I need a job where I can switch up my daily routine, and I need a job where I don't constantly worry about details. I need a job that pays me living wages, no less and no more (unless you WANT to pay me more, that's fine and dandy.) Most essentially, I need an interesting job that I can be PASSIONATE about. I need a job that exists because someone loved an abandoned pet, or a hungry child, or a warming planet. I need a job that exists because someone thought that wildlife shouldn't lose their forest to encroaching humans, or that people shouldn't lose their lives to unnecessary wars. I need a job that allows me to contribute more than just my spare time to making the earth a better place for everything on it.
Thank you for your consideration.
This is satire, right?
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